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Breastfeeding: the highs are so high and the lows are so low

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So, you didn’t really think there was going to be a list of the “5 Easy Steps to Perfect Breastfeeding” did you? Nope, sadly there is no tutorial on the blog today. As we enter May and skip our way toward celebrating Mother’s Day I thought I’d share some of my observations of motherhood. Maybe your story is just like mine, or maybe you experienced the complete opposite. Breastfeeding, in particular, is one of those crazy things that is entirely unique to your experience. Here is what happened for us…breastfeeding highs and lows

 

When I was pregnant with my first child I was pretty sure I could handle child birth, but I was terrified of taking care of a newborn. People told me that breastfeeding was going to be; a challenge, the most beautiful experience, the only way to feed a baby, impossible, painful and blissful. I had faced some challenges in my life before…haven’t we all. However, nothing had prepared me for breastfeeding. 
 
My eldest daughter was born during the SARS epidemic (did they officially call it an epidemic?) If you don’t remember, or didn’t live in Ontario, SARS was the respiratory syndrome that swept through our fair province in 2003. It led to closed hospitals, restricted access to all hospitals, a lot of illness and death. It was a truly sad and scary time. When I look back now, I just remember being uneasy about having a baby at that time. 
 
After the successful birth of my daughter the quest for the breast began. Let me just start this off by saying that I ended up bottle feeding my first and then breastfeeding my second – I’ve lived both the nightmare and the dream. The nurses paraded in with their “helpful” advice. Tossing my baby around and groping my breast…my breast. They poked and prodded and I know they meant well, but they put the pressure on. When the feeding wasn’t happening they offered us formula. Tired, beaten down and in recovery we accepted. 
 
When we left the hospital things changed. I was adamant – there would be no formula, no bottle.  What I didn’t anticipate was that a bad latch could lead to so much pain, so much cracking, so much bleeding. Unfortunately, because of SARS the in-hospital breastfeeding resources weren’t as readily available. I lived in a smaller town at the time, and I didn’t know how to access any other resources. I sat in my family doctor’s office and cried as I said that I was having “a hard time” breastfeeding. She sat and assured me that it was a tough thing to get the hang of. (She didn’t last very long as my doctor).
 
And so I preceviered. I cried at the very thought of feeding my child. I mean really cried. It was just so painful. I got angry that this was happening to me. Why were my breasts not working? Why wasn’t my child able to feed in peace? Instead, she was growing angry too. My constant popping her on and off, in an attempt to relieve the pain, was disturbing her whole life. The worst moments were in the shower. I would stand and cry with the water pouring down my back. My breasts were so sore that I could not let the water near them. 

Then one day, about 2 months in, I sat on the phone with my best friend and I asked her one more time “Is it okay if I stop? Will she be okay? Will she be healthy? Will she grow?” My friend assured me that my daughter would be fine and I would be a much better as a mom if I wasn’t so unhappy and in so much pain. Something clicked and I stopped. 

 
I remember telling my 2 month old, little girl that I loved her, no matter how or what I fed her. I craddled her in my arms, put the bottle in her mouth and sang “You are my sunshine.” That moment I quite literally felt a weight lift off my shoulders. 
 

Breastfeeding is a challenge, the most beautiful experience, the only way to feed your baby, impossible, painful and blissful. All of those things are true. It makes me sad when I hear women degrade other women who bottle feed. It also hurts me to hear people complain about the woman who is breastfeeding in a public space. Neither one is motivated by anything but love and a desire to feed their child. That’s the bottom line. I have no regrets about making the switch to formula…breastfeeding my first child didn’t work for me. I feel no more connected to my youngest child, who breastfed successfully. I love them and am happy that they have both grown into smart young girls. That is how I know I am really a mother.

 

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Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. Mama Pea Pod says

    Great post, Jen! By sharing your experiences with others, hopefully more new mothers will see that everything they experience with it, whatever that may be, is normal.

  2. Sally S. says

    Great post! I had almost the exact same situation with breastfeeding. With my first, it was difficult and overwhelming and I stopped at 10 weeks. With my second, it worked well, and she stopped on her own at 15 months. I still have a twinge of guilt now and again, wondering if I could have done something differently the first time around, but then I see what a smart and caring boy he is and let go of the past and enjoy the present.

    • KitchenCounterChronicles says

      Wow Sally, that is pretty close to what happened with me! It’s amazing how much guilt we carry around as mothers. If only someone would teach us how to let it all go. Thanks for stopping by.

  3. Anonymous says

    Congratulations on trying again with your second. I know a lot of moms who don’t. I had the same problem with my first but was able to go to the Newman clinic (I also live in Ontario) and we eventually got it sorted out. It hurt for the first 6 months, but nothing like the cracking and bleeding of the first few weeks. I also did a LOT of crying and feeling terrible. I undid most of the damage by pumping when I couldn’t stand feeding any longer and supplementing but it took a long time. The second was much, much easier. Thank you for sharing your experience. Mom’s don’t talk about their experiences enough.

    • KitchenCounterChronicles says

      Thanks for you comments…I have heard of women being able to take a break and come back to feeding successfully. Amazing how different we really are. Thanks again.

  4. dlvrjoy says

    Thanks for posting this. I recently put up a post about my experience breastfeeding. It’s a shame we allow ourselves to feel unnecessary guilt about this. We women are amazing, we all too often forget that. Best to you and your girls.

    • KitchenCounterChronicles says

      Totally agree…we are pretty awesome…too bad we feel guilt over these sorts of things, when we clearly just created a human being! Thanks for stopping by.

  5. Jenni Shaver says

    This is so true! I have two children, both that I have tried to breastfeed. Looking back, I am glad I tried with both, but it was awful both times. I made it six months feeding my oldest, with milk from only one breast and supplementing with formula. I was determined to do a better job with my son, but it was much worse! I am so happy for moms to whom breastfeeding comes easily, but that is not my story. Before having kids, I judged any mom who didn’t feed their child as God intended. Now, I cheer for mom’s who can make that choice and not have to go through the horror that I did when you just want to love and feed your baby! One thing motherhood has taught me, was not to judge other mothers! My mothering motto: Do what works for you and be happy that you found something that works!!!

    • KitchenCounterChronicles says

      I LOVE your motto! I totally agree…whatever works! thanks.

  6. Anonymous says

    Thank you so much. I have PCOS and was not able to produce enough milk to breast feed my daughter. In fact, I never got more than 4 oz at a time – total, even when I took the medications or every herb that was supposed to help. I supplemented for four months and was devistated that I couldn’t breast feed my child, but I finally had to give up when I was only able to produce half an ounce. If I could have produced milk, I probably would have been a mom that breast fed past a year, but that wasn’t a choice I was allowed.

    You can’t judge anyone’s choice. You don’t know why or what they may have gone through to reach their decision.

    • KitchenCounterChronicles says

      So true, passing judgement is the easy way out. Much easier than taking the time to reach out and try and understand others. Thanks for sharing.

  7. Jen @ lil Mop Top says

    Great post! I breastfed both babies but it was pretty painful at first but got much easier after the first 4 or 5 weeks. I thought with the 2nd baby it would just be easier since I had been able to breastfeed baby #1 for about 7 months. I was most surprised that it was still VERY painful to where I could only feed on one side at times because it hurt too badly to feed on the other. I definitely cried from the pain too! But once we got in the groove, we were fine. Even though my husband was supportive of whatever I wanted to do, he was always very reassuring that if it was painful and frustrating, that formula was a perfectly fine alternative! (I think I was too cheap to pay for it when I had it for free so I kept on through the pain! haha!)

    • KitchenCounterChronicles says

      Glad to hear that you had such great support, I think the psychology behind breastfeeding can be very difficult for men to understand. Thanks for sharing your story.

  8. Caroline says

    Great post! I always think it’s so refreshing to read about the true challenges of breastfeeding. It certainly wasn’t easy for me. It hurt, it was tiring, I cried…a lot. In fact, I dread the second time around. Will I even breastfeed? Only time will tell. I think we moms have to know that it’s OK NOT to breastfeed. We’re not evil if we don’t and we’re not saints if we do.
    Caroline

  9. Melissa @ The Chocolate Muffin Tree says

    Thanks for posting this. I wish I had resources/support like this when my daughter was a newborn. I started out nursing my child and it lasted about a month and I so wanted to continue. I tried to get help and got so much mixed advice I didn’t know what to do. It would have made a huge difference if I would have had a doctor that supported my intentions. I got to the point that I was so exhausted that I ended up bottle feeding. I was so devastated and it took me a long time to get over the guilt.

  10. tricia says

    i had the same experience!!!! it was so painful, i had to steel myself and cringe with each latch as the scabs broke open each time to let the milk through. it is tough…i am glad you found solutions that worked or you and your baby!!!! thank you for linking up to the blog hop!

  12. Mums make lists says

    This is a great honest post – we’ve got an extra link up, specifically for brilliant breastfeeding posts old and new, at this week’s Baby Shower linky party. Would absolutely love for you to link up, Alice @ Mums Make Lists